Memoirs from jail a.k.a. my living room
Chilombo was the soundtrack
“Stay the f*** at home”- Samuel L. Jackson
I can't believe outside is closed. Covid-19 has taken over all of our lives since the end of February and I've been sitting in my apartment in #quarantine, trying to find ways to bide the time. This quarantine is the only event in my life where I've been forced to sit still and at first it was going better than I anticipated; I've been catching up on old shows, spring cleaning, cooking more, and finding new ways to try and relax. But on the flip side of that, I've also had a weird range of emotions, from stress to pure laziness but oddly enough, I haven't been bored yet. Though I'm still trying to find my balance so I'm not just sitting around all day doing nothing, I understand the privilege that I have to quarantine in a healthy environment during these difficult times. I figured it would be beneficial to document this so I will never forget what I was doing during this historic moment: #Corona.
I remember when shit started to hit the fan at the beginning of March and seeing all of the posts on social media about people in China, Europe, and America getting sick. I thought, "eh, not a big deal" when I first heard about Covid-19; it sounded more like the flu than anything. I brushed it off. It wasn't that deep. But as more people talked about it and more networks began covering it, I started picking up on how severe it was becoming. That started to alarm me. I was seeing constant posts about protecting yourself and washing your hands on every social media platform. Then came the emails from every business I've ever bought something from telling me their business plan to fight against the virus. I was still traveling to and from my job at this time so I knew this was serious but not as serious as it was going to get. As conversations on both social media and in real life started to revolve around the virus, I began taking more precautions by washing my hands more often and reading up on how this outbreak in China has caused the world to look at them differently.
When businesses began changing their hours or closing for extended periods of time that's when I knew it was getting real. More jobs began telling their employees to work from home to avoid in-person contact, including mine. I'm not going to lie; when I first heard this, I was hype. Not having to drive to work every day? Hell yeah. But this in exchange for a deadly and incurable illness that will take the lives of many innocent people, in hindsight, was not worth it.
By the second week of March, I was working from home. Life was still pretty calm; there were still a small number of cases in the United States and an even smaller number of deaths. The funny memes on #BlackTwitter about coronavirus, how some people are coping with being in quarantine, or how they're going to act once quarantine is over started taking up my social media timelines. Waking up every day and going to my living room to work was better than waking up even earlier to have to drive to work so I was getting used to my new normal. Now though? It's terrifying to hear the stories of so many people that have lost their lives to this vicious virus and how many of them were alone to not risk getting anyone else sick. I've seen countless R.I.P. or "pray for my family member's" posts and my only hope is that this virus will slow down or people will #StayHome. It's been a surreal turn of events these last few weeks, with many businesses closed until this pandemic is over, which doesn't sound like it will be over until June or even later than that. So here I am, stuck in the house, fearing for my safety every time I leave to get essential items, many of which are sold out because of other fearful people. And after a few weeks of stressing out about the virus because that's literally the only thing anyone is talking about, I'm sitting here finally feeling good and productive for the first time in a long time, writing this blog, hoping to capture some of my experience in words.
Sooo...we've been in the house for a minute now, what y'all been up to? Before corona, I was eating good AND working out y'all, now my schedule is all messed up (that shouldn't be an excuse but it is *shrugs*). I was supposed to go to Dallas in March, and Vegas this month which I'm mad that I had to cancel but staying healthy is way more important. First things first, I've been catching up on shows and movies that I've never gotten the chance to finish, like HBO's The Wire. Now that I'm quarantined, I got time time. I see why everyone said it's one of the best shows written. Everything about it was great. One of my favorite characters was Omar, along with Lester but shit everybody in the Baltimore streets who worked with Avon Barksdale was the homie (except for Dee, I didn't like him). I was rooting for Omar until the end because he was the man! The Wire led me to follow more of Micheal K. Williams' work so I watched another one of his shows, Black Market. It was a very interesting take on crime and how people get involved in the life they're living. Each episode touched on a different aspect of criminal activity (which sounds wild now that I'm typing this), but I liked it.
I've also watched The Outsider, and Big Little Lies which are on HBO as well. Insecure just came back, and that's a whole other conversation cause chile, it's already outta control. I'm finishing up How to Get Away with Murder with all of it's twists and turns and I'm not ready for it to end. This last episode though?!? Crazy. I tried to watch The Tiger King but it was too chaotic for me, and I refuse to watch Little Fires Everywhere cause I'm a rebel like that. I started Ozark, but it's just soooo slow in the beginning, and I'm about to pick back up on Westworld since the third season came out recently but I'm still on season one. There have been countless movies I've watched; I can't even tell you all of the titles, but I've definitely had my fair share of lounging in front of the TV.
More recently though, I've experienced downright sadness, stress, overthinking, laziness, and fatigue. I thought I would be more productive than I've been; I've envisioned myself working on home projects, or my blog (more often), or continuing my clean eating, or exercising, the whole nine yards, but I haven't had the willpower to do any of that. It's like I'm....stuck; emotionally, physically, and mentally. Which is weird because we have nothing but time to get things done, ya know? I haven't been in much of a mood to get things right, or back on track. I'm not sure if it's the lack of routine, the fact that I've had so many different emotional encounters this year already, or the fact that this year is NOT going the way I'd hope, but it has affected my mood in such a negative way. I was struggling with a lot of things before Covid, and I was able to put these things in the back of my mind by living life, but now I'm forced to deal with it and it isn't pretty. I'm generally not a negative person so for me to constantly feel like this has been a mood. I'm also someone who doesn't willingly open up and spill out my feelings or emotions so most of my friends or family didn't know what I was experiencing to be able to help me (which is no fault to them).
It wasn't until after a FaceTime call with a good friend of mine that changed my perspective on how to combat the feelings I've been experiencing lately. We had a pretty deep conversation about mental and physical health and I told her how I've been in a negative mood lately. It felt good to vent about that, to say it out loud because I'd been holding these feelings in for so long. She told me to start small with my goals, that it's not a race but a marathon. During quarantine, it might be harder to adjust because of the lack of routine, but putting yourself back on one might be helpful. I know, I know, it's super cliche but it was just what I needed to hear at that moment. This quarantine gave me nothing but time to think about where I wanted to be, where I am, and how stressed I am over my life but opening up to my friend gave me hope. I realize that stress will happen, and that's okay.
Since that phone call, I've been more productive and much more vulnerable. I've reached out to my other friends, I've been intentional in writing my blog (I've even revamped my website), I started reading The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl by Issa Rae, and I've started to work down my debt (little by little). I haven't felt like this in weeks. I realize I have to be more intentional in my approach towards productivity during the quarantine.
I'm only telling you this because I know there is someone out there that has experienced the same things I've experienced. My sleeping pattern has been way off, I've cried more times than normal, I've stressed about the past and the future, and then I'm just okay until my emotions come back. I've had weird vivid dreams, I wish my job paid more, I was getting frustrated waiting to get #stimulated, which was causing another amount of stress. I'm writing this to reflect on my experience in quarantine because I know someone is going through this too. You may feel like you HAVE to be productive, that you HAVE to use this time wisely, or that you don't have a right to feel these emotions because you have the time to get it together but your feelings are valid. I felt that I had to be productive and kicked myself when I wasn't, but I realize that it was good to go through that range of emotions because it's making me a better person on the other side.
So I'm taking baby steps in quarantine: being more vulnerable, reaching out to a few people, tryna get this nighttime routine down so my skin can glow, and remembering that it's a race and not a marathon. I want to walk into May with a clear and positive mind, so that I can manifest amazing energy from my family, friends, and even myself. And I hope this May will be positive for you too. We're in quarantine and if you want to lounge, then lounge and do not feel bad about it. Meet yourself where you're at.
But I'm not gon' lie, I can't wait for outside to open back up. On baby.